an addition to my sketch

Even in my dreams I can not escape. I dream of being in the bar where everyone is dancing together except for me, and its set to faux 80's dance music. Even my subconscious thinks I'm a loser!

Friends with benefits

I'd like a friend that came with benefits, like a dental plan. That way you could fill a cavity and get a cavity filled at the same time.

White People Sports

I saw some white kids in a big circle today opassing something around. Thy were either playing a big game of hacky sack or a small game of frisbee.

Greetings

Picture this, you are walking and you see someone you know. You say hi, they say hi, you both go on your merry way.

Unfortunately, it does not always go that smoothly. Sometimes you are about to say hi, but then the other person busts out with a "how are you"? Now what do you do? You already have that hi loaded up so you have to retract that, then you have to say how you are. The problem is that we are both busy people and we are both going some where. Do you just tell him how you are and walk on by, do you stop in your tracks and ask, or do you keep going and yell the same question back.

I never thought greetings would turn into some sort of prisoner's dilemma.

Ryan Vaughan found dead in bathroom

This morning Ryan Vaughan was found dead in his bathroom. Sources say he died in a horrible hair trimming accident. The razor that Vaughan had used and abused for so many years finally turned against him. Sources close to Vaughan say he was trying to give himself a Fu Manchu when the razor went crazy and shot him. The razor blade then turned the gun on itself and committed suicide. A Gillete spokesman said that it was a dark day for the company and sent condolences to the Vaughan family. We spoke to the Vaughan family today and the only statement they had was "we're only using electric from now on."

Movie blurbs that I didn't get to in class.

A single robot in a dystopic future on a barren world. A starkly moving film about the environment and how crass consumerism effects it. A moving piece about unrequited love and feelings of loneliness. A soulless automaton that rediscovers the humanity in all of us. Come see the art house darling Wall-E.

A young girl uses her vivid imagination to escape reality around her. Watch as she goes on a quest to save her baby brother from the evil dream demons. She also must watch out for her evil stepfather or he could ruin all her fun. Come see the wonderful chldren's movie, Pan's Labyrinth!

Your beverage makes you look like a pussy.

I have a confession to make. I like drinks that are often labeled "girlie" or "colorful" or "homosexual". My drinks of choice have more in common with the colors of the rainbow than the colors of shit. My male friends wonder what is wrong with me and say that my drink choice will scare the women folk away from me. The women folk laugh at my red-tinged drink. My friends ask me why I don't drink rum and coke or jack and coke, or beer for that matter. Well I don't really care for beer, or whiskey, or soda for that matter. I really don't understand the big difference between my vodka cranberry and their Jack and Coke. I mean both liquors are the same proof and both of the mixers are essentially sugar water. One is fizzy and one is red. I want to go back in time to when the decision was made that when it comes to drinks anything that is not colored shit brown is gay. Meanwhile I'm going to go back to sipping my Cosmopolitan.

Solutions for those awkward moments.

So I was at a friend's social function today and I saw an old intimate relation. Things ended rather poorly so we spent the party awkwardly looking away from each other. I figured there must be some better options to the awkward look-away head jerk.
1. The High Five- if they don't put their hand up, their face is a good alternate target.
2.Projectile Vomit- succinctly expresses your opinion of the person and is good way to clear the room in a hurry.
3. Pretending to be a long-lost twin- requires great acting skills or the other person to be really really gullible.
4.Book it.- nothing says how are you like running in the opposite direction.
5. Conversation- the hardest option by far. Try not to reveal just how bitter you are. Avoid phrases like "how is life as a stupid bitch?", "what is it like to live on whore island?" and "I see your VD isn't fatal. How unfortunate."

Stand-up is done...now what?

Choices for what we can do for the rest of the year in Humorous Writing

1. Grooming Ryan Vaughan's facial hair.
2.Sit-down tournament.
3. Who can do the best Lerche joke.
4. Dance party.
5.Learning how to write humourously.

Rants and Raves- pt. deux

In honor of squeezing out blood from the stone, I'll be doing a mini roast of our class. Just remember I love everyone of you guys...or at least the people that will be reading this(aka nobody)

So without further ado, Ladies, Gentlemen, Evelyn(get it, she looks manly, but has breasts! yucks all around).

Charles Ahn- Get a watch *sound investment advice!*

Jackie Atlas- I "shrugged" at your comedy *objectivism for the masses!*

Shane Gallagher-the goal is to make the audience laugh, not vomit *pukes*

Aaron Gold- to paraphrase a famous quote: If someone says there oughta be a show, there probably shouldn't. * this quote premieres on Fox in the fall!*

Lerche- I'd make a joke, but it would be easier than you! *get it, she is a woman of loose morals!*

Eric Levine- your failure at understanding references is funnier than the reference *small balls in Texas!*

Mike "Clutch" Mcelligott- White Boy can not rhyme. I would rather watch a mime, or commit a crime, or drink tequila with no lime. *Shades of Vanilla Ice!*

Abi Mizrahi- If you didn't snap your hand, no one would know when the comedy began! I looked at your facebook and was suprised that "beating a dead horse" was not under your activies! *funny because it's true!*

Kelly O'Conner- are you in our class? *no show!*

Ben O'Donnell- should have talked about the mechanical hands putting saltines in your girl's vag. *can't engineer jokes!*

Brian Pinto- sweet reverse B-ro! *I loved playing the reverse card in Uno!*

Joe Rogan- ahh the koi fish tattoo . For people that don't like tribal armbands, but still want to express their unoriginality. *please don't beat me up!*

Evelyn Townsend- Writing a sarcastic reply to a woman aren't funny remark, proves that you are sarcastic....but not funny. *joke about your appearance!*

Dave Zucker- you may out of the stand-up competition, but your still in front in the most likely to be a pedophile competition in the class. *Multiple Winners!*

Rants and Raves- pt.1

I am out of the stand-up competition but I still have a lot to say about it and other things. First I got a little aperitif for you to drink down before the main course.

Alternate titles for CW 350

1.Lerche's sex life
2.Eric Miller's sex life
3.Ethnic Jokes for Dummies
4.Ryan Vaughan's Adventures in Hair Styling
5. Roasting for Dummies
6. How to run shit into the ground
7.Running shit into the ground
8.Advanced running shit into the ground
9.Writing humourously

Little League

When I was younger I played little league baseball. I played in the YMCA league since every kid was guaranteed to play for half the game. I was really terrible. I always played outfield because that is where they sent the kids that could not catch to save their life. I was also a terrible batter. I was so bad that I batted last, right behind the kid with one arm. It wasn't even a pity thing for the kid with the single arm. He was a legitimately better hitter than I was. He could have ad no arms and batted with his feet or mouth and he would have been a better hitter than me.

Sexism gone retarded.

Recently the head of the EU has banned a bunch of different terms that can either denote gender in a job along with any term that denotes marital status. This was done so no one would get "offended". This is the sissiest rule I have ever heard. I thought even the French would be above this. Why not ban everything that denotes marital status? Why not ban wedding rings as those too show marital status. Why not also ban fashion that clearly differentiates between men and women? Everyone should walk around in sacks and not saying any variation of the word men or women or any variation on those words. Pretty soon the only thing left available will be the heavy flow Tampon's for the Eu official's vaginas. Below is the link to the article in question.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4995787/Euro-chiefs-ban-Miss-and-Mrs.html

Duke Vs. Binghamton

Duke will win if....A)they show up to the correct arena at the appropriate time.
B)Only replace 3 of their players with fans from the crowd.
C)tie single arm behind their backs instead of both of them.
D)they don't assault the refs.

Binghamton will win if...A)Duke follows "mapquest" directions that send them off a cliff.
B)If Lebron James decides he wanted to go to college after all
C)Duke players all decide to join a monastery
D)Duke players blinded by Tony Kornheiser's shiny head.

Waitresses make me think I'm going insane.

I went to Tully's yesterday to watch some basketball and have a few drinks. Things were going ok, they were screwing up orders a bit, but otherwise it was going OK. I ordered a grapefruit and vodka and continued watching the game. The waitress comes back a few minutes later with a drink that was red and yellow. I tasted it and it was just cranberry and grapefruit juice with no delicious nutritious vodka. I politely notified the waitress of this error and thought I would get a "whoops my bad" or something like that. Instead she said I ordered exactly what she gave me. I hate when this happens because I start to think that I'm losing my mind because I apparently gave back what I asked for. You ask the people around you and of course they do not know because they're doing their own thing. She didn't even bring me back what I originally asked for. She just added vodka(I think) to what I already had. I guess dumping 5 cents of juice was not worth the effort.

6OT compared to other sports

I just finished watching the marathon Syracuse-UConn basketball game. Towards the end of the game they gave the time the game lasted. It was 3 hours 40 minutes. This was the longest game in Big East history. That amount of time into a baseball game, it might be the eighth inning. A football game might just be peaking into overtime, and cricket would be entering its first....I have no clue because I don't live in a part of the British empire.

Sick

The title accurately describes how I am feeling right now. I feel like some one wcked me upside the skull with a ball peen hammer. I guess waiting online for basketball tickets(and not getting them) did not help. My seminar also decided to run for the longest period of time. I feel so weak that I can not even lift up my head. My skull also feels heavy. If I am not in class tomorrow this can be my sick note. If I'm not alive tomorrow I am not an organ donor so your grandma will have to get her liver somewhere else.

Rave Jacket

I was walking to class today when I saw the ugliest,most mesmerizing piece of clothing that I have ever seen. It was a coat that had tons of neon colors swirling around the whole damn thing. The pattern continued on to the colorblind college student's head so it looked like a rave party was engulfing him. When I came closer to him I could of swore I heard a driving drum beat and the sound of idiots who did way too much E.

Blue Screen

It felt like a kick in the balls. I was cleaning up the result of the previous night's punch driven mess and I just wanted something to drown out my hangover. I went to turn on the television and it was a blue screen. I checked the connection, I jiggled the wire, I finagled with the thingamajig, and I even smacked the TV on the side for good measure. Nothing worked and eventually I had to clean up vomit in silence.

Punch

Don't do it. Stick with the beer. It's not worth the red(or whatever color the punch is) colored puke all over your stuff the next morning.

Dicks and Eyes

A Private Investigator is also known as a private dick. Would a female P.I. be a private vagina?

We have an opening

Alcohol goes in your mouth for a reason. I have experience with it going in other orifices....it was not a good time.

Grapefruits

Grapefruits are the only fruit cool enough to have its own spoon. Take that oranges! Fuck you apples.

Grapefruits are neither grape or fruit. They are small mammals located in Florida.

Little Toilets

I was in the bar tonight and like everyone else, I had to use the bathroom. When I went in there I noticed the shorter kiddie size urinal. Who the hell is using the kiddie urinal in the bar? I mean I'm 5'3 on a good day and even I can easily reach on the normal size pissers. Is there like a midget that is coming in that is too proud to use the sit down toilet? Is someone coming in with a really fake id? Is it for bring your child to work day?

Imminent Domain

In every college movie I've seen there is invariably some group of people low on the "cool" totem pole and they are invariably being picked on by the people "high" on "cool". The action in the movie always seems to revolve around the cool people trying to evict the "nerds" from wherever they live. They always need this space for a new annex to their house/polo field/hair care product factory. The nerds always fight back by raising enough cash/exposing the "cool" kids for the massive douchebags they are/raping the cool kid's girlfriend. Then everything is great and the credits roll and the viwers die a little bit on the inside.

Oh foreigners.

I was reading a book for class today. One of the characters was named Stocky Wang. If there were any male asian porn stars that would be a terrible name for him.

Pok(h)er

Things said during sex or poker:

That's a great pair.

I have pocket rockets.

I was bluffing the whole time.

What a great hand.

I'm all in.

Just don't get caught

I was in the showcase of people of should have never mated a.k.a Wal-Mart today. I was passing by a middle-aged man and his suprisingly attentive son and I heard the end of the father's words of "wisdom". All I heard was "just don't get caught". That got me wondering what shameful act the father was essentially ok'ing to his soon to be redneck son. Now what could have that first part been...."having sex with your sister is fun","it's ok to make fun of blacks" or "we're going in for the big cheese".

Pre-cut my ass

I was making a bagel again today and it was the first time since the prior incident. When I went to cut the bagel with a butter knife it got kind of stuck in the bagel. When I finally got the knife through I forgot to take my hand away. So I proceeded to cut myself with a butter knife. I felt like some sort of really pussy emo kid, which upon further review is redundant.

ENERGY RAZORS

I've noticed that these days, every time I turn on my TV, radio, newspaper, and sink I get another ad for energy drinks. Each drink is both smaller and longer lasting than the one before. It started as Red Bull in its large can, than it was down to those smaller cans. Now it is down to a thimble that will keep you awake for 3 days. I noticed that this is similar too the razor blade conundrum. You see, one blade will do the job fine, but we are currently on 5 blades along with one in the back, and a flavor strip on the front. Now every razor company is competing to cut off your face. Now energy drink companies are looking to give you the most shakes and heart attack per ounce.

Crack is Wack

There is a crack between the refrigerator and counter in my kitchen. It is about an inch wide and about 3 feet deep. The crack and I had never been close friends, but we had never been enemies. I had lost a sponge in there once, but it was kind of old and ready to go up to sponge heaven anyway.
Today the crack and I have become enemies. It started when I was making some bagels for lunch. I put them in the toaster and the first two came out just fine. I put in two more because they were small and this is where the problem started. I got the first half of the bagel out alright, but when I tried to free the 2nd half of its metal cage, it immediately flew up out of the toaster and right into the crack. If this was on TV it would have been in slow motion with me giving a NOOOOOOOOOOOOO that would have put Darth Vader to shame. The crack ate my bagel and I hope it is happy.

In-line Waiting

I, like many other others today stood in line for hours waiting for Jon Stewart tickets. I was really psyched when I walked in, but my smile quickly turned upside down as every bend I turned around around contained more people. About two hours in I saw what looked like a painted on shadow on a pane of frosted glass. It looked like Baxter was posed next to the window while an atom bomb went off.

Wildly inappropriate

1.Baby Shower at an Abortion Clinic
2.Boy Scout Meeting at NAMBLA convention
3.AA meeting at a Frat Party
4.Your mom not in a whorehouse.

Navigating Binghamton's Bureacracy

Problem: A computer error has arisen causing Binghamton to take a big steaming dump on. What do you do?

Step 1: Contact the person who told you about the error

Step 2: When that feels contact someone who might be able to help you

Step 3: Wait for problem to remain unsolved.

Step 4: Shake your computer while sobbing and wondering if their is a God.

Step 5: Fight Computron, Lord of the Internet.

Step 6: Transfer.

Advantages and Disadvantages

Advantage: Catches food that can be saved for later.
Disadvantage: Face looks like the floor of a McDonald's.

Advantage:Look like a lumberjack!
Disadvantage:Look like Billy Mays.

Advantage:Necessary to become bearded lady
Disadvantage: Makes for one ugly lady.

Advantage: Can blend in with the Jews with funny hats!
Disadvantage: Look like one of the Jews with funny hats.

(Re)tired excuses

1. I need to wash my hair. -Retired after men figured out it does not take 7 hours to wash hair.

2.I have a headache. That's why we have aspirin.

What did you say?

Today I was waiting for the bus when someone's cell phone was going off. One of the girls said, "wow that is a loud room phone". You could drop this person in Kansas, step in a puddle, and she would say, "I can hear the ocean".

Things you won't hear at at a frat party

1.This beer is delicious.
2. That girl is not wearing enough clothes.
3. This is a roofie-free zone
4. This girl is passed out, she can not stay here.
5. This party is lacking males.
6. The police are here. Everyone stay put while we hear their complaints.
7. This vintage Port is delightful.
8. Keg stands are not allowed.
9. Yes, our bathroom is in full working condition.
10. Someone fully pronouncing the word, brother.

Update to the Hackman-Caine theory

Should be called the Family Guy-Hanks rule. This means at any given point in time either Family Guy or a Tom Hanks movie will be on. This can almost be amended to the Family Guy rule as every network including Lifetime, C-Span and the spanish station that isn't Telemundo is running the shows now.

Whoa

Whoa describes the entire acting range of Keanu Reeves. I was watching The Matrix today and Keanu had one facial expression through out the whole thing. It did not change when he was kissing the manly Carrie Anne Moss or when he was getting shot. The sheer lack of emoting makes me believe that he is some sort of retarded robot created by Hollywood in order to generate ticket sales.

A review of my February 14th 2009.

I've never understood the big deal about Valentine's Day. As a Jew I've never felt much reason to celebrate a saint's day. I mean, I feel no compulsion to celebrate Saint Catherine's or Saint Christopher's Day. Upon looking up Valentine's Day I found it was most associated with our favorite English writer Geoffrey Chaucer, whose book Canterbury Tales made me wish I was illiterate. It might also do with the fact that I've never had beau on the day and usually end up in my room listening to Death Cab for Cutie in the dark, while cutting myself.
Now this Valentine's Day was as crappy as te previous ones but before I decided to drink some Jonestown brand Kool-Aid I recalled something from earlier in the day. Three little birds on a branch chirping cheerfully to each other. Nowhere to go, nowhere to be, no one to do. Just three little birds singing to one another. Tonight I thought of the Bob Marley song with the Three Little Birds after the night was through and know that when I go to sleep tonight that every little thing is gonna be alright.
-Jonah

oh god

I've seen parts of the (blank) Moovie series before and they were all pretty terrible. Right now I'm watching Meet the Spartans and it might just be the worst of the bunch. It's like the writers made a comedy and whoops! forgot the jokes. They don't parody pop culture so much as they just include it in the film. This fails to mention the sickening amount of product placement and Carmen Electra's "acting". I've watched C-Span and laughed more. The movie is less funny than getting cancer at a funeral.

Delicious

Time for a review of some of the preferred beers for college students
Natural Ice:8
Tastes kind of like horse urine
Milwaukee's Best:7.5
Tastes like bitter horse urine
Keystone Light:7
Tastes like watered down horse urine
Horse Urine:9
Tastes like horse urine.

You know who would make a great blog writer...

Today Brett Favre announced his retirement from throwing passes to people not wearing Jets uniforms. ESPN has also announced that it will not stop covering Favre just because he stopped playing. ESPN analyst Skip Bayless has stated,"Without Favre what would we cover? Hockey?"

Blow Job Ice Cream

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JC(straight to D)VD

So while searching for horrible softcore porn on late night HBO I stumbled upon and old Van Damme movie called Kickboxer. The movie was awful yet hilarious. One scene involved JCVD doing drunken splits and punching some Asian guy in the nuts. Classic. Today I was flipping through the hungry hungry HiBOs and found some movie called The Quest that once again featured JCVD punching an Asian guy repeatedly.
In fact every JCVD revolves around him learning some martial art in some southeast asian country and then using that new found martial art knowledge to beat up one of the local inhabitants. In Bloodsport he learns what I think is kickboxing in order to beat up some guy in Hong Kong. In Kickboxer he learns Muay Thai(not the drink) and beats up a guy in Thailand. In Street Fighter:The Movie he learns the sonic boom and kills Raul Julia.

A Walmart story

So today I was getting some beer in order to play some pong (brah). I was walking to make my purchase when I heard a girl make a strange statement. She said that she couldn't believe that the store sold guns and seltzer. I thought about that statement for way too long and I still can not figure out one connection that they can possibly have.

Pancakes are delicious

So I went out for breakfast today to a place called Piccolo's. Now I knew I was getting pancakes before I arrived, and I zoomed in on them as soon as I got the menu there. I felt I could handle 3 of them pretty easily due to prior experience with the pancakes at IHOP. Well a few minutes later I got them. They were bigger then my head and possibly bigger than our teacher's beard. They were a little dry, but I just managed to finish them. It felt like my stomach had run a marathon and I was the winner.

dead in the water.

Recently Michael Phelps has been put through the wringer for going Chong on a bong. He got a slap on the wrist from some swimming association that no one knew existed and will now miss those 3 crucial months 3 and a half years away from the olympics. Sadly Kellog's and Subway dropped him as a sponser despite half their sales coming from people that are high out of their gourds. Next time I'm high and craving a sandwich I'm going to Quizno's.

Aww, it's just a grammy

My friend was showing me the list of grammy nominees. At first it seemed ok. Jethro Tull wasn't nominated in any Metal categories, clearing the way for another Metallica victory. Unfortunately Coldplay was nominated for a dozen awards. Coldplay makes U2 look avant garde and makes Billy Corgan look masculine. To quote "The 40 Year Old Virgin"..."You know how I know you're gay? You listen to Coldplay."

Just a sweet transvestite

I was flipping through the channels today when I happened across the new Tyler Perry "joint". Madea Goes to Jail. It's happened....Tyler Perry has run out of ideas and is now ripping off the "Ernest" series of movies. It won't be long now when we see Madea going back to school, or in the army, or appearing as a zombie on "Family Guy" .

False advertising

You rock, Friends 4ever, I Luv You. These are just of the positive messages found on the insidious menace to society known as the Valentine's Candy Hearts. No other candy lulls you into a false sense of hope and delivers something that tastes like the mints you find in restaurants crossed with chalk. These candies should really come with warnings on them like Fuck You, Bite Me, or Hazardous 2 UR health.

Itsa me.....

I was talking to my friend today about videogames that were later turned into movies. The Mario Brothers movie was one of the first and started(continued) the tradition of these movies making no sense what so ever. I still have no clue whose idea was it to make a feature length film about a game that contained exactly 2 sentences: "Your princess is in another castle" and "Your princess is in this castle". This movie also decided that John Leguizamo could play an Italian and marks the last time Dennis Hopper was taken seriously.

The biggest game of the year

So there was some game on tonight and it was really fun and great and whatever. The real star of the night though was Bruce Springsteen, or more accurately Bruce Springsteen's junk. When Bruce did his trademark slide he went a bit to far and the "Boss's" balls went straight into the camera and straight into the homes of the millions watching around the world. Bruce was so close that he managed to impregnate every woman watching regardless of age....which will lead to this

Whoops totally forgot to do a Saturday post. I'm not used to working on Saturday. It's usually a day reserved for getting over Friday's hangover and than developing a brand new one for Sunday morning or afternoon depending on when you pass out on your friend's couch/toilet/balls. Usually I have football to help deal with the hangover, but tomorrow is special and I have to wait to watch football and also have to eat nachos and wings with other people. It's also the only time of year people look forward to commercials and when you can bet on which animal will try to sell you beer.

My Computer...

is continuing its quest to piss me off as much as possible. I want to go back to the Stone age when a club is the only multi-purpose device you needed and you could share a brontosaurus burger with Fred Flintstone or one of his many concussion induced alter egos.

Basketballs

A few ways to know you root for a poor basketball team:

1. More than 2 white guys on the court at the same time and neither of their names end in an -ic.

2. Your team is named after something to do with weather.

Speaking of that St.John's woman's team is named the Lady Red Storm. Since when does a weather condition have a gender. I have yet to see a lightning bolt with a dick or vagina. Before they were the Lady Red Storm were they the Lady Red Men? Was their mascot a hermaphroditic Indian?