Pok(h)er

Things said during sex or poker:

That's a great pair.

I have pocket rockets.

I was bluffing the whole time.

What a great hand.

I'm all in.

Just don't get caught

I was in the showcase of people of should have never mated a.k.a Wal-Mart today. I was passing by a middle-aged man and his suprisingly attentive son and I heard the end of the father's words of "wisdom". All I heard was "just don't get caught". That got me wondering what shameful act the father was essentially ok'ing to his soon to be redneck son. Now what could have that first part been...."having sex with your sister is fun","it's ok to make fun of blacks" or "we're going in for the big cheese".

Pre-cut my ass

I was making a bagel again today and it was the first time since the prior incident. When I went to cut the bagel with a butter knife it got kind of stuck in the bagel. When I finally got the knife through I forgot to take my hand away. So I proceeded to cut myself with a butter knife. I felt like some sort of really pussy emo kid, which upon further review is redundant.

ENERGY RAZORS

I've noticed that these days, every time I turn on my TV, radio, newspaper, and sink I get another ad for energy drinks. Each drink is both smaller and longer lasting than the one before. It started as Red Bull in its large can, than it was down to those smaller cans. Now it is down to a thimble that will keep you awake for 3 days. I noticed that this is similar too the razor blade conundrum. You see, one blade will do the job fine, but we are currently on 5 blades along with one in the back, and a flavor strip on the front. Now every razor company is competing to cut off your face. Now energy drink companies are looking to give you the most shakes and heart attack per ounce.

Crack is Wack

There is a crack between the refrigerator and counter in my kitchen. It is about an inch wide and about 3 feet deep. The crack and I had never been close friends, but we had never been enemies. I had lost a sponge in there once, but it was kind of old and ready to go up to sponge heaven anyway.
Today the crack and I have become enemies. It started when I was making some bagels for lunch. I put them in the toaster and the first two came out just fine. I put in two more because they were small and this is where the problem started. I got the first half of the bagel out alright, but when I tried to free the 2nd half of its metal cage, it immediately flew up out of the toaster and right into the crack. If this was on TV it would have been in slow motion with me giving a NOOOOOOOOOOOOO that would have put Darth Vader to shame. The crack ate my bagel and I hope it is happy.

In-line Waiting

I, like many other others today stood in line for hours waiting for Jon Stewart tickets. I was really psyched when I walked in, but my smile quickly turned upside down as every bend I turned around around contained more people. About two hours in I saw what looked like a painted on shadow on a pane of frosted glass. It looked like Baxter was posed next to the window while an atom bomb went off.

Wildly inappropriate

1.Baby Shower at an Abortion Clinic
2.Boy Scout Meeting at NAMBLA convention
3.AA meeting at a Frat Party
4.Your mom not in a whorehouse.

Navigating Binghamton's Bureacracy

Problem: A computer error has arisen causing Binghamton to take a big steaming dump on. What do you do?

Step 1: Contact the person who told you about the error

Step 2: When that feels contact someone who might be able to help you

Step 3: Wait for problem to remain unsolved.

Step 4: Shake your computer while sobbing and wondering if their is a God.

Step 5: Fight Computron, Lord of the Internet.

Step 6: Transfer.

Advantages and Disadvantages

Advantage: Catches food that can be saved for later.
Disadvantage: Face looks like the floor of a McDonald's.

Advantage:Look like a lumberjack!
Disadvantage:Look like Billy Mays.

Advantage:Necessary to become bearded lady
Disadvantage: Makes for one ugly lady.

Advantage: Can blend in with the Jews with funny hats!
Disadvantage: Look like one of the Jews with funny hats.

(Re)tired excuses

1. I need to wash my hair. -Retired after men figured out it does not take 7 hours to wash hair.

2.I have a headache. That's why we have aspirin.

What did you say?

Today I was waiting for the bus when someone's cell phone was going off. One of the girls said, "wow that is a loud room phone". You could drop this person in Kansas, step in a puddle, and she would say, "I can hear the ocean".

Things you won't hear at at a frat party

1.This beer is delicious.
2. That girl is not wearing enough clothes.
3. This is a roofie-free zone
4. This girl is passed out, she can not stay here.
5. This party is lacking males.
6. The police are here. Everyone stay put while we hear their complaints.
7. This vintage Port is delightful.
8. Keg stands are not allowed.
9. Yes, our bathroom is in full working condition.
10. Someone fully pronouncing the word, brother.

Update to the Hackman-Caine theory

Should be called the Family Guy-Hanks rule. This means at any given point in time either Family Guy or a Tom Hanks movie will be on. This can almost be amended to the Family Guy rule as every network including Lifetime, C-Span and the spanish station that isn't Telemundo is running the shows now.

Whoa

Whoa describes the entire acting range of Keanu Reeves. I was watching The Matrix today and Keanu had one facial expression through out the whole thing. It did not change when he was kissing the manly Carrie Anne Moss or when he was getting shot. The sheer lack of emoting makes me believe that he is some sort of retarded robot created by Hollywood in order to generate ticket sales.

A review of my February 14th 2009.

I've never understood the big deal about Valentine's Day. As a Jew I've never felt much reason to celebrate a saint's day. I mean, I feel no compulsion to celebrate Saint Catherine's or Saint Christopher's Day. Upon looking up Valentine's Day I found it was most associated with our favorite English writer Geoffrey Chaucer, whose book Canterbury Tales made me wish I was illiterate. It might also do with the fact that I've never had beau on the day and usually end up in my room listening to Death Cab for Cutie in the dark, while cutting myself.
Now this Valentine's Day was as crappy as te previous ones but before I decided to drink some Jonestown brand Kool-Aid I recalled something from earlier in the day. Three little birds on a branch chirping cheerfully to each other. Nowhere to go, nowhere to be, no one to do. Just three little birds singing to one another. Tonight I thought of the Bob Marley song with the Three Little Birds after the night was through and know that when I go to sleep tonight that every little thing is gonna be alright.
-Jonah

oh god

I've seen parts of the (blank) Moovie series before and they were all pretty terrible. Right now I'm watching Meet the Spartans and it might just be the worst of the bunch. It's like the writers made a comedy and whoops! forgot the jokes. They don't parody pop culture so much as they just include it in the film. This fails to mention the sickening amount of product placement and Carmen Electra's "acting". I've watched C-Span and laughed more. The movie is less funny than getting cancer at a funeral.

Delicious

Time for a review of some of the preferred beers for college students
Natural Ice:8
Tastes kind of like horse urine
Milwaukee's Best:7.5
Tastes like bitter horse urine
Keystone Light:7
Tastes like watered down horse urine
Horse Urine:9
Tastes like horse urine.

You know who would make a great blog writer...

Today Brett Favre announced his retirement from throwing passes to people not wearing Jets uniforms. ESPN has also announced that it will not stop covering Favre just because he stopped playing. ESPN analyst Skip Bayless has stated,"Without Favre what would we cover? Hockey?"

Blow Job Ice Cream

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JC(straight to D)VD

So while searching for horrible softcore porn on late night HBO I stumbled upon and old Van Damme movie called Kickboxer. The movie was awful yet hilarious. One scene involved JCVD doing drunken splits and punching some Asian guy in the nuts. Classic. Today I was flipping through the hungry hungry HiBOs and found some movie called The Quest that once again featured JCVD punching an Asian guy repeatedly.
In fact every JCVD revolves around him learning some martial art in some southeast asian country and then using that new found martial art knowledge to beat up one of the local inhabitants. In Bloodsport he learns what I think is kickboxing in order to beat up some guy in Hong Kong. In Kickboxer he learns Muay Thai(not the drink) and beats up a guy in Thailand. In Street Fighter:The Movie he learns the sonic boom and kills Raul Julia.

A Walmart story

So today I was getting some beer in order to play some pong (brah). I was walking to make my purchase when I heard a girl make a strange statement. She said that she couldn't believe that the store sold guns and seltzer. I thought about that statement for way too long and I still can not figure out one connection that they can possibly have.

Pancakes are delicious

So I went out for breakfast today to a place called Piccolo's. Now I knew I was getting pancakes before I arrived, and I zoomed in on them as soon as I got the menu there. I felt I could handle 3 of them pretty easily due to prior experience with the pancakes at IHOP. Well a few minutes later I got them. They were bigger then my head and possibly bigger than our teacher's beard. They were a little dry, but I just managed to finish them. It felt like my stomach had run a marathon and I was the winner.

dead in the water.

Recently Michael Phelps has been put through the wringer for going Chong on a bong. He got a slap on the wrist from some swimming association that no one knew existed and will now miss those 3 crucial months 3 and a half years away from the olympics. Sadly Kellog's and Subway dropped him as a sponser despite half their sales coming from people that are high out of their gourds. Next time I'm high and craving a sandwich I'm going to Quizno's.

Aww, it's just a grammy

My friend was showing me the list of grammy nominees. At first it seemed ok. Jethro Tull wasn't nominated in any Metal categories, clearing the way for another Metallica victory. Unfortunately Coldplay was nominated for a dozen awards. Coldplay makes U2 look avant garde and makes Billy Corgan look masculine. To quote "The 40 Year Old Virgin"..."You know how I know you're gay? You listen to Coldplay."

Just a sweet transvestite

I was flipping through the channels today when I happened across the new Tyler Perry "joint". Madea Goes to Jail. It's happened....Tyler Perry has run out of ideas and is now ripping off the "Ernest" series of movies. It won't be long now when we see Madea going back to school, or in the army, or appearing as a zombie on "Family Guy" .

False advertising

You rock, Friends 4ever, I Luv You. These are just of the positive messages found on the insidious menace to society known as the Valentine's Candy Hearts. No other candy lulls you into a false sense of hope and delivers something that tastes like the mints you find in restaurants crossed with chalk. These candies should really come with warnings on them like Fuck You, Bite Me, or Hazardous 2 UR health.

Itsa me.....

I was talking to my friend today about videogames that were later turned into movies. The Mario Brothers movie was one of the first and started(continued) the tradition of these movies making no sense what so ever. I still have no clue whose idea was it to make a feature length film about a game that contained exactly 2 sentences: "Your princess is in another castle" and "Your princess is in this castle". This movie also decided that John Leguizamo could play an Italian and marks the last time Dennis Hopper was taken seriously.

The biggest game of the year

So there was some game on tonight and it was really fun and great and whatever. The real star of the night though was Bruce Springsteen, or more accurately Bruce Springsteen's junk. When Bruce did his trademark slide he went a bit to far and the "Boss's" balls went straight into the camera and straight into the homes of the millions watching around the world. Bruce was so close that he managed to impregnate every woman watching regardless of age....which will lead to this