Movie blurbs that I didn't get to in class.

A single robot in a dystopic future on a barren world. A starkly moving film about the environment and how crass consumerism effects it. A moving piece about unrequited love and feelings of loneliness. A soulless automaton that rediscovers the humanity in all of us. Come see the art house darling Wall-E.

A young girl uses her vivid imagination to escape reality around her. Watch as she goes on a quest to save her baby brother from the evil dream demons. She also must watch out for her evil stepfather or he could ruin all her fun. Come see the wonderful chldren's movie, Pan's Labyrinth!

Your beverage makes you look like a pussy.

I have a confession to make. I like drinks that are often labeled "girlie" or "colorful" or "homosexual". My drinks of choice have more in common with the colors of the rainbow than the colors of shit. My male friends wonder what is wrong with me and say that my drink choice will scare the women folk away from me. The women folk laugh at my red-tinged drink. My friends ask me why I don't drink rum and coke or jack and coke, or beer for that matter. Well I don't really care for beer, or whiskey, or soda for that matter. I really don't understand the big difference between my vodka cranberry and their Jack and Coke. I mean both liquors are the same proof and both of the mixers are essentially sugar water. One is fizzy and one is red. I want to go back in time to when the decision was made that when it comes to drinks anything that is not colored shit brown is gay. Meanwhile I'm going to go back to sipping my Cosmopolitan.

Solutions for those awkward moments.

So I was at a friend's social function today and I saw an old intimate relation. Things ended rather poorly so we spent the party awkwardly looking away from each other. I figured there must be some better options to the awkward look-away head jerk.
1. The High Five- if they don't put their hand up, their face is a good alternate target.
2.Projectile Vomit- succinctly expresses your opinion of the person and is good way to clear the room in a hurry.
3. Pretending to be a long-lost twin- requires great acting skills or the other person to be really really gullible.
4.Book it.- nothing says how are you like running in the opposite direction.
5. Conversation- the hardest option by far. Try not to reveal just how bitter you are. Avoid phrases like "how is life as a stupid bitch?", "what is it like to live on whore island?" and "I see your VD isn't fatal. How unfortunate."

Stand-up is done...now what?

Choices for what we can do for the rest of the year in Humorous Writing

1. Grooming Ryan Vaughan's facial hair.
2.Sit-down tournament.
3. Who can do the best Lerche joke.
4. Dance party.
5.Learning how to write humourously.

Rants and Raves- pt. deux

In honor of squeezing out blood from the stone, I'll be doing a mini roast of our class. Just remember I love everyone of you guys...or at least the people that will be reading this(aka nobody)

So without further ado, Ladies, Gentlemen, Evelyn(get it, she looks manly, but has breasts! yucks all around).

Charles Ahn- Get a watch *sound investment advice!*

Jackie Atlas- I "shrugged" at your comedy *objectivism for the masses!*

Shane Gallagher-the goal is to make the audience laugh, not vomit *pukes*

Aaron Gold- to paraphrase a famous quote: If someone says there oughta be a show, there probably shouldn't. * this quote premieres on Fox in the fall!*

Lerche- I'd make a joke, but it would be easier than you! *get it, she is a woman of loose morals!*

Eric Levine- your failure at understanding references is funnier than the reference *small balls in Texas!*

Mike "Clutch" Mcelligott- White Boy can not rhyme. I would rather watch a mime, or commit a crime, or drink tequila with no lime. *Shades of Vanilla Ice!*

Abi Mizrahi- If you didn't snap your hand, no one would know when the comedy began! I looked at your facebook and was suprised that "beating a dead horse" was not under your activies! *funny because it's true!*

Kelly O'Conner- are you in our class? *no show!*

Ben O'Donnell- should have talked about the mechanical hands putting saltines in your girl's vag. *can't engineer jokes!*

Brian Pinto- sweet reverse B-ro! *I loved playing the reverse card in Uno!*

Joe Rogan- ahh the koi fish tattoo . For people that don't like tribal armbands, but still want to express their unoriginality. *please don't beat me up!*

Evelyn Townsend- Writing a sarcastic reply to a woman aren't funny remark, proves that you are sarcastic....but not funny. *joke about your appearance!*

Dave Zucker- you may out of the stand-up competition, but your still in front in the most likely to be a pedophile competition in the class. *Multiple Winners!*

Rants and Raves- pt.1

I am out of the stand-up competition but I still have a lot to say about it and other things. First I got a little aperitif for you to drink down before the main course.

Alternate titles for CW 350

1.Lerche's sex life
2.Eric Miller's sex life
3.Ethnic Jokes for Dummies
4.Ryan Vaughan's Adventures in Hair Styling
5. Roasting for Dummies
6. How to run shit into the ground
7.Running shit into the ground
8.Advanced running shit into the ground
9.Writing humourously

Little League

When I was younger I played little league baseball. I played in the YMCA league since every kid was guaranteed to play for half the game. I was really terrible. I always played outfield because that is where they sent the kids that could not catch to save their life. I was also a terrible batter. I was so bad that I batted last, right behind the kid with one arm. It wasn't even a pity thing for the kid with the single arm. He was a legitimately better hitter than I was. He could have ad no arms and batted with his feet or mouth and he would have been a better hitter than me.

Sexism gone retarded.

Recently the head of the EU has banned a bunch of different terms that can either denote gender in a job along with any term that denotes marital status. This was done so no one would get "offended". This is the sissiest rule I have ever heard. I thought even the French would be above this. Why not ban everything that denotes marital status? Why not ban wedding rings as those too show marital status. Why not also ban fashion that clearly differentiates between men and women? Everyone should walk around in sacks and not saying any variation of the word men or women or any variation on those words. Pretty soon the only thing left available will be the heavy flow Tampon's for the Eu official's vaginas. Below is the link to the article in question.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4995787/Euro-chiefs-ban-Miss-and-Mrs.html

Duke Vs. Binghamton

Duke will win if....A)they show up to the correct arena at the appropriate time.
B)Only replace 3 of their players with fans from the crowd.
C)tie single arm behind their backs instead of both of them.
D)they don't assault the refs.

Binghamton will win if...A)Duke follows "mapquest" directions that send them off a cliff.
B)If Lebron James decides he wanted to go to college after all
C)Duke players all decide to join a monastery
D)Duke players blinded by Tony Kornheiser's shiny head.

Waitresses make me think I'm going insane.

I went to Tully's yesterday to watch some basketball and have a few drinks. Things were going ok, they were screwing up orders a bit, but otherwise it was going OK. I ordered a grapefruit and vodka and continued watching the game. The waitress comes back a few minutes later with a drink that was red and yellow. I tasted it and it was just cranberry and grapefruit juice with no delicious nutritious vodka. I politely notified the waitress of this error and thought I would get a "whoops my bad" or something like that. Instead she said I ordered exactly what she gave me. I hate when this happens because I start to think that I'm losing my mind because I apparently gave back what I asked for. You ask the people around you and of course they do not know because they're doing their own thing. She didn't even bring me back what I originally asked for. She just added vodka(I think) to what I already had. I guess dumping 5 cents of juice was not worth the effort.

6OT compared to other sports

I just finished watching the marathon Syracuse-UConn basketball game. Towards the end of the game they gave the time the game lasted. It was 3 hours 40 minutes. This was the longest game in Big East history. That amount of time into a baseball game, it might be the eighth inning. A football game might just be peaking into overtime, and cricket would be entering its first....I have no clue because I don't live in a part of the British empire.

Sick

The title accurately describes how I am feeling right now. I feel like some one wcked me upside the skull with a ball peen hammer. I guess waiting online for basketball tickets(and not getting them) did not help. My seminar also decided to run for the longest period of time. I feel so weak that I can not even lift up my head. My skull also feels heavy. If I am not in class tomorrow this can be my sick note. If I'm not alive tomorrow I am not an organ donor so your grandma will have to get her liver somewhere else.

Rave Jacket

I was walking to class today when I saw the ugliest,most mesmerizing piece of clothing that I have ever seen. It was a coat that had tons of neon colors swirling around the whole damn thing. The pattern continued on to the colorblind college student's head so it looked like a rave party was engulfing him. When I came closer to him I could of swore I heard a driving drum beat and the sound of idiots who did way too much E.

Blue Screen

It felt like a kick in the balls. I was cleaning up the result of the previous night's punch driven mess and I just wanted something to drown out my hangover. I went to turn on the television and it was a blue screen. I checked the connection, I jiggled the wire, I finagled with the thingamajig, and I even smacked the TV on the side for good measure. Nothing worked and eventually I had to clean up vomit in silence.

Punch

Don't do it. Stick with the beer. It's not worth the red(or whatever color the punch is) colored puke all over your stuff the next morning.

Dicks and Eyes

A Private Investigator is also known as a private dick. Would a female P.I. be a private vagina?

We have an opening

Alcohol goes in your mouth for a reason. I have experience with it going in other orifices....it was not a good time.

Grapefruits

Grapefruits are the only fruit cool enough to have its own spoon. Take that oranges! Fuck you apples.

Grapefruits are neither grape or fruit. They are small mammals located in Florida.

Little Toilets

I was in the bar tonight and like everyone else, I had to use the bathroom. When I went in there I noticed the shorter kiddie size urinal. Who the hell is using the kiddie urinal in the bar? I mean I'm 5'3 on a good day and even I can easily reach on the normal size pissers. Is there like a midget that is coming in that is too proud to use the sit down toilet? Is someone coming in with a really fake id? Is it for bring your child to work day?

Imminent Domain

In every college movie I've seen there is invariably some group of people low on the "cool" totem pole and they are invariably being picked on by the people "high" on "cool". The action in the movie always seems to revolve around the cool people trying to evict the "nerds" from wherever they live. They always need this space for a new annex to their house/polo field/hair care product factory. The nerds always fight back by raising enough cash/exposing the "cool" kids for the massive douchebags they are/raping the cool kid's girlfriend. Then everything is great and the credits roll and the viwers die a little bit on the inside.

Oh foreigners.

I was reading a book for class today. One of the characters was named Stocky Wang. If there were any male asian porn stars that would be a terrible name for him.